What makes you come alive?

I’m here for the experience of being alive. I believe most people are. I spent two and a half decades in a near, or complete, catatonic state. I couldn’t feel much of anything. I felt severed from life itself. It’s hard to describe what that’s like. It’s like looking at a world that’s never out of focus. You never take in anything fully, except for signs of danger. Imagine looking at a stunning sunset but not being able to experience it because the mind can only focus on the feeling of being in danger. I spent my life detached from the world as a result of repeated trauma. Up until now, that is. I’m not quite sure how I got here. That’s a topic for another time.

What I’m getting at is that I’m grateful. I’m happy I get to experience it now. It’s opened up a whole new set opportunities for me to explore. There are hobbies I’d like to try out. I never could find the energy or time to pursue hobbies because I was hyper-focused on survival. I want to get into fashion. Build retro gaming systems with scrap electronics. Learn how to take care of plants and collect rare specimens. Buy high-end headsets to play music on. Take classes again but instead of staying on the sidelines I want to be at the center of it, and be transformed by it. There’s a new world out there for me to explore.

The question that’s at the forefront of my mind right now is, what makes me come alive? It’ll take some trial and error, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

Created on August 27, 2021
Published on August 27, 2021