World. -- "It is only natural", says Jennifer Clueless in response to the coronavirus scare, leader of the largest anti-vaxx movement in the world, "Murderers of Children, and Proud!".

Jennifer explains, "Why fight the natural order of the world? If you die from the Corona virus, then God must have meant for you to die! And to show we walk the talk we're offering ourselves up to the community at large. God will protect us! Because we respect his wish that you shouldn't mess with Nature."

Planes full of anti-vaxxers are expected to fly to the affected areas around midnight, today.

Local. -- There is nothing more infuriating to Joey Mammoth (14) (pseudonym) than being tasked to do anything. Our local reporter went down to Neverville to meet him.

Boy: "Mom says I'm her little angel and that my way is the right way. So I sat on the couch, yeah? And the remote was nowhere near me. Well, I could see it right there next to the telly, but mom always gets everything for me, but she wasn't around so I was like, what the hell?! I got angry and threw the only thing within reach, mom's giant dildo."

Reporter: "Pardon?"

Boy: "Aye mate, a dildo. I'm fourteen you know! I KNOW WHAT A DILDO IS! It was one of those purple tentacle ones. It's huge. HUGE, I tell ya! I threw it at the telly as hard as I could! Then I went on a rampage and cracked every screen in the house with mom's dildo to teach her a lesson not to neglect me and my needs."

Reporter: "Because you couldn't reach for the remote?"

Boy: "Yeah mate, are you thick in the head or somethin'? That's what I just said. I don't like moving an inch. I just want to eat, fart, sleep, and watch telly. Mom says that I'm the best no matter what I do! So I do nothing. I still get to be the best. Genius, isn't it?"

Can't argue with that logic.

U.S. — Paula White, a religious nutter known for being U.S. President Trump’s spiritual adviser met her match at a rally today.

A few minutes into the rally an absolute mad lad used an air horn during her monologue about how Trump’s going to secure his presidency in 2020. He was handed a megaphone from what we can only surmise to be a friend, and said:

“I quote from the Bible, 1 Timothy 2:12! ‘I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.’ Please do as the Bible says and keep your mouth shut.“.

“God speaks through me!”, retorted White. “Which God? Ra? Thor? Shiva the Destroyer?”, said the man. White kept raging away at the man.

"Why are you still speaking to me? You’re not permitted to lecture me as a woman, so fuck off maybe?”. The man was arrested for being a heretic, charged with blasphemy and hanged hours after his conviction.