Dear Adam (pseudonym),
Life is messy, isn't it? I wouldn't call it a glorious mess; although it can be. Most of the time we operate under uncertain conditions and with imperfect information. Somehow we manage to get things done.
How do you push your life into a direction that feels good and worth living? The only way is to reflect on what it is you value and focus on what it is you do every day. You need two things: clarity on what you care about, and habits that serve what you care about.
Let's say that you care a lot about the environment, then if you make that a priority you will find people who feel similar to you, and your life will change.
How to navigate an ocean?
Think of life as the ocean you float in. You need to build a boat to get anywhere in life.
Your values give shape to your boat. What kind of life are you building? A small sailboat built for freedom? A stable barge focused on family? A sleek speedboat chasing progress?
The people you surround yourself with determine the size of your boat. A life shared with trustworthy people has space to grow. But bad company is a recipe for sabotage — they’ll drill holes while you sleep.
Even if you manage to build a strong boat and become a seafaring person you could still get unlucky and face waves no boat was built to handle. Life is rife with tsunamis from which no man is safe. Remember that.
You need to sit down and reflect on what is you care about (e.g. health, freedom, education). Here's an excerpt from my notes to give you a better idea of what you should be doing.
Courage — life without courage is no life at all.
I regularly step out of my comfort zone to face my fears. This is easier said than done, especially if you have an anxiety disorder or when you're neurodivergent. I lived with PTSD for decades, and I'm ND. I face greater challenges than the average person, but I continue to find ways to stretch myself one day at a time.
Patience — a patient mind is a resilient mind.
I save myself a lot of trouble by exercising patience. When I miss a train I don't get angry. When a person is tardy I don't get annoyed when they don't show up on time. When it takes longer to reach my goals, I remind myself that enjoyment comes from the process, not the result. Patience is found everywhere in what I do.
Moderation — he is free who has few desires.
I believe that those who constantly desire newness live torturous lives. If you're always wanting to experience something new then you're always chasing life instead of being present for it. I long for almost nothing. I'm happy with a glass of water and some time to create.
Tenacity — stay the course under all circumstances.
I go after what I want no matter the cost. I accept living circumstances that aren't ideal for the sake of achieving something for the greater good and maintaining freedom in other aspects of my life. I have stopped giving a fuck about failure or meeting other people's expectations.
Modesty — being modest eases relationship building.
I'm mindful of people's insecurities. I don't boast about my skills or achievements in any appreciable form. I doubt my family is aware of everything I've achieved. When I'm with people I focus on how they're feeling and how I can be of service. Everything else is just noise. Making friends is easy this way.
Compassion — life is suffering, be kind to all.
I write and speak from a place of compassion. People go through things beyond their control. We each experience the world a little differently. They could be more sensitive to noise, so it would be prudent not to speak loudly. I believe showing kindness in a world that is cruel is a sign of strength.
Sincerity — living under perpetual pretense is tiring.
I am never not myself. I try to keep a neutral demeanour when social situations demand that I can't wear my heart on my sleeve. I continually experiment with new social situations where I can just be myself, because pretending to be otherwise is just too exhausting.
Thoughtfulness — your words can either wound or heal, choose wisely.
I exercise thoughtfulness whenever I choose a gift or the words that leave my mouth. People don't intend to wound people, but they often lack the self-awareness necessary to understand what injuries they're causing, that doesn't make them bad people. I try to pay attention to the joys and interests of my friends, as that may give rise to opportunities to delight them.
Cleanliness — don’t expect anyone to take you seriously looking like a slob.
The world cares more about appearances than whatever lives inside of you. The sooner you accept this, the easier your life gets. It's more important that you're able to convince people of your ability to do a job than your actual ability to do the job. This is true in most areas of life. I care about my appearance and hygiene not just for other people's sake, but for my own sense of well-being as well.
Adaptability — The world changes; meet it with grace.
Technology is rapidly changing the world. Human beings have a strong desire to stick with what works in the face of uncertainty, and are thus slow to change. But the nerds rule the world and it would be unwise to not take an interest in how modern technology is shaping our very lives. The antidote to fear of uncertainty is curiosity.
What matters is what you do
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. -- Oscar Wilde
How do you actually steer your boat? Wilde called it self-mastery. Values describe what is important to you; virtue, what is moral/good. You need experience to learn what it is you are truly all about. It's only through living that you'll learn how to live and find your way. You will fail, and fail often, but that's just how human beings learn. Nobody becomes a virtuous person by accident.
This is what it means to steer your boat; you align how you feel (i.e. what you value) with what it is you do every day. The real challenge is to do this under all circumstances (i.e. show you have integrity).
What do you choose to focus on every day? This is a reflection of what it is you actually care about. If you’re gaming every day just to avoid feeling things, pause and reflect.
If you say you care about your health but you don't eat healthy or exercise, do you truly value your health? I would say you don't, and not caring has consequences. If you don't care about your health now then your senior years will be rife with malady. You also won't be able to date healthy people who do care.
You can only change your life by making small adjustments to your habits every day. The big wins only come from the accumulation of many small achievements won every day.
The way forward is to do things of increasing difficulty that show you you are worthy of your own trust while building healthy relationships and developing a deeper understanding of what it is you value.
Understand that very little in the world is under your control. Seek what is. Once you master yourself the oceans are for the taking.