Narrator: Wooh! New adventure! Let's see what Link is up to right now. Great. He's asleep in some dark cave. Grand. How is this lazy bum responsible for saving Zelda for the umpteenth time? Let's wake him shall we?

Link opens his eyes after a 100 year nap on a slab of stone. He's feeling a little peckish. The lanterns on the wall come to life. There's a tablet looking device next to him. He gets up, grabs the device, and walks to the nearest exit. There's a jar next to the door. He stares at it; an intrusive thought invades his mind.

"Pick it up and throw it."

He throws the jar against the wall to reveal a bunch of arrows. "I can't eat those but I'm sure they'll come in handy." He sees the exit and starts running. He finds himself on a hill overlooking The Great Plateau. He notices an apple tree and gives it a shake. He walks down the hill while eating an apple or two towards a man sitting in a crevice right next to a downtrodden church.

The man greets him.

Old man: "Son, aren't you chilly?" Link isn't wearing anything except his boxers. The man hands him some clothes. "That should fix the nude situation. Where are you headed, son?"

Link: "I'm going to explore this plateau and find more food to eat."

Old man: "That's a great idea, Son. Here's a sword that will come in handy. Be careful out there. It's crawling with monsters much tougher than you are right now. I suggest you stay clear of them while you explore."

Narrator: Such kindness from the old man. Link doesn't yet know that this is Princess Zelda's dad. Oh did I spoil it for you? Damn it. I am the asshole of the story. Link is such a goody two-shoes that this story needs a bit of assholery. We won't see Ganon for a very long time and he's honestly just a really misunderstood boy, so I am the antagonist. Onwards!

Link is taking a casual stroll and walks past the church. It's ravished to hell. He wonders what those odd looking machines are. They're clearly inactive but they look intimidating. The church reminds him of the Temple of the Time. He moves on while casually eating some more apples.

Narrator: Link's aloofness will cost him dearly.

His tablet beeps. It's clearly responding to something. What could it be? He spots an odd looking malformation of rocks with a bokoblin in front of it. I guess it's time to clunk some heads.

The bokoblin whoops Links ass. Broken and bruised he gets up wondering why a measly bokoblin is giving him so much trouble. He runs away to find a vantage point. There's a powder keg up a ledge. Link climbs up the ledge. He lifts the powder keg in the air.

Link: "Eat this!"

And throws the powder keg in the bokoblin's face. Well, that was thrilling. Now we must investigate. The rock malformation is hiding a device that looks like a charging station for a tablet. Link puts it in just to see what happens.

Narrator: The earth shakes. Rocks crumble. The tablet starts to glow. BOOM! Up in the air we go! Link is now on top of a giant spiky looking tower. Sweet lord, what a view. Link inches closer to the edge. There are a series of steps going around the tower. I guess that's how we get down.

Link makes his way down and finds the old man gliding in towards him.

Link: "Sweet glider. Can I have it?"

Old man: "I'll trade you. You'll need to explore a series of dungeons and get me their treasure. In exchange I'll give you the glider. Don't you want to know why I showed up?"

Link: "I figured because I made this spiky tower thing show up."

Old man: "You're not dumb, are you? This tower isn't the only one that's popped up. There are a bunch of them across Hyrule now. Unfortunately for you you can't get off this plateau. We're up high."

Link: "Good thing you're going to give me that glider then."

Old man: "Haha it'll cost you. Go on, the first dungeon is east of here. Get to it."

Link: "Jeez old man, what's the rush? I'm going to take a nap first, but not before catching some fish."

Link caught some Hyrule Bass from a nearby pond. There are some bokoblin nearby but they seem oblivious to the comings and goings of our hero. There's an entrance to a dungeon situated at the pond that Link has been ignoring. He stretches his legs before attempting to enter.

Gaining entry was dead easy. The tablet functions like a swipe card. Upon entering he was given a glyph that enables him to summon a magnet. The first thing he did was gather all the metal chests and open them all up. They had some sweet gear in them and a few gems. They will be sold off for rupees.

Now let's get to the end of this dungeon.

Link: "Wait? That's it?! What pity ass dungeon is this? The cave I slept in was bigger than this. Okay so I just jump across with metal sheets and open a set of metal doors? Is this a workout or a warm up? Christ I'm bored."

Link left the dungeon feeling uneasy. He thought he was in for a fun adventure but so far it's been quite the snooze fest. He put on headphones to drown out the silence of the plateau. I guess if you want to have fun you gotta create that fun.

There's a shiny object in that pool of water over there. Link goes to investigate. Fishes it out of the pond with his new power. Hmm where do we leave this bloody thing? There's a hollowed out tree over there. Great. Let's put it there before we decide where to leave it permanently.

POOF

Link: "WHAT THE HELL. WHO, OR WHAT?! THE. FUCK. ARE YOU?"

Korok: "You can see me?! That's cool. I thought only Hestu could see me. Well, if you find any other Koroks be sure to gather their seeds. Find Hestu and exchange them."

Link: "Wait. This looks like a little turd. Little golden turds. You're shitting me, aren't you?"

Korok: "No! NO! It's vital you collect the turds. I mean, seeds."

Link: "Sure. Whatever. Get lost."

Okay great. There are apparently a bunch of Koroks scattered across Hyrule whose turds we need to collect. What a Sisyphean task. Link finds a bunch more Koroks just by lifting random stones and solving environmental puzzles. He is failing to see the fun in this.

He stumbles upon a snowy area. It's way too cold to enter but you know, snow? That might be fun. He notices a cabin nearby and the old man is hacking away at a tree with an axe. Let's ask the old geezer what's up.

Old man: "I see you found my axe. If you cut the tree just right you can cross the chasm."

Link: "I want to hike to the top of that mountain, except it's too frickin' cold to get all the way up there."

Old man: "Why do you want to go up there?"

Link: "Because I'm bored and I thought that maybe freezing to death sounded like a fun deal."

Old man: "If you insist. I'll trade you my sweater that will insulate you against the cold for a dish I don't remember how to create. Figure that out and come back to me."

Link: "You mean this? Yeah I read your diary. I found your cabin. I saw you sleeping. You cute when you sleep, but you also snored so hard that I almost slit your throat for violating my ears. But all that you were misssing from your recipe was some Hyrule Bass. Any fish will do, really."

Old man: "Yes! This is it! Wait. You were in my cabin while I was asleep?"

Link: "Old man I'm bored. Give me that blanket so I can traverse the snowy peaks."

Link makes his way up to the river mound. There he notices another dungeon. Maybe this one will be better?

Link enters and receives another power up. We can freeze time now. It's a little fun I suppose. We stopped that giant boulder from crushing us to death. I guess that's okay. We also launched a giant boulder into the abyss by first freezing it in time and then hitting it. It's unfortunate we couldn't aim it at some poor bokoblin's face.

Time to head out.

He makes it all the way to the top of the mountain to scope out the plateau. He marks two more dungeons on his map. Ohh what do we have there? It's some bokoblin's chilling near a camp fire. I think it's time we have some fun.

There are four large boulders nearby and two powder kegs. Link freezes a boulder in place and hits it just right. The boulder launches across the field straight into the bokoblin camp! The kegs ignite and a sea of fire rains down on them. Great spectacle, except it barely injured them! Boo! He's not strong enough to take them on right now, disappointed he leaves the scene.

The next dungeon isn't too far. It's way up the mountain and contains the ability to freeze water into blocks of ice. It's kind of neat and we stumbled upon a mini machine. It crawls like a spider and shoots light out of his eyes. I wonder what it is. It was fun to fight. Finally some action.

The final dungeon isn't too far from the old man's cabin.

We let some bombs fly off and ignite them in the air. I know I'm supposed to have fun but it's just not. There are no enemies to rip to shreds. The puzzles are boring as hell. What's fun in blowing up some blocks of concrete? I want to see blood and see the insides of a bokoblin. The thought made him hungry.

Link sits down to cook with whatever he's collected. He's enjoying it. Apparently mixing critters with monster guts creates potions. And if you simmer some fruit you get just enough new health to fully heal without wasting any food. This is perfect. Some classic tunes fill his ears.

The old man shows up.

Link: "What do you want, old man? I want that glider now."

Old man: "I'll give you the glider, but first we must play hide and seek. Find me ..."

Link: "Old man I will slit your throat right now if you don't give me the glider. Hand it over, now."

Old man: "Fine. Fine. Here it is. Now it's time to tell you who I really am."

Link: "I already figured it out. You're Zelda's father. Zelda's my girlfriend. I'm a 100 years older now but she's alive isn't she? I mean if you are."

King: "I died. I'm a ghost."

Link: "Shocker. You never were much of a fighter, you fat fuck."

King: "Please, Link. Such unpleasantries aren't necessary. I want you to go save my daughter. She's fighting Ganon all alone. You are our only hope."

Link: "Uhh maybe. If I feel like it. I'm getting off this heap of junk and go find myself some warm legs to die happy in. But first I'll collect some gear so these creatures don't bother me so much. I must say, I don't remember them packing this much heat, but I'm sure with a few upgrades I'll whoop their asses just as easily as before."

King: "Please, Link, we don't have much time."

Link: "Does it look like I care? Good lord, you're such a baby. I have defeated Ganon a thousand times. I'll defeat him again. I just need to go find my master sword, gear up, and whack his noodle. Now fuck off. I need to go fly a few miles."

Narrator: Today's journey comes to an end. Link is clearly in some mood! Here I was thinking he was such a kind-hearted lad, but what a douche canoe. I'm going to have fun twisting his knickers.